Republican 2012 Hopefuls Have Their Own Birth Certificate Problems

Donald Trump is taking credit for getting the President to obtain and release a copy of his long form birth certificate. What about all those birthers out there, Donald, don't they get any credit?

This is rather disappointing news, as I was looking forward to the report from the investigators Trump says he sent to Hawaii. And they I'm sure were looking forward to spending a few more weeks in Hawaii at Donald Trump's expense.

Yes, Barack Obama is a natural born citizen as required by the U.S. Constitution to be President. Of course, we knew that three years ago when he released the official short form birth certificate issued by Hawaii. But where is the fun in that? I guess we will have to look elsewhere.

I have proof that Donald Trump was born in Jamaica, and that's a fact supported by all of his birth certificates. Moreover, Donald Trump's mother Mary was a MacLeod from Scotland. Our founding fathers put in the natural born citizen clause just so we wouldn't have to submit to rule by Highland Scot Clan Lairds.

Can Michele Bachmann prove she is a natural born citizen? Michele says she was born in Iowa but to me her accent sounds Canadian. I am absolutely confident you can go to Iowa and search the Waterloo and Black Hawk County records and you will find no record of anyone named Michele Bachmann ever being born there. OK, Michele says her maiden name was Amble. I'll need to see a marriage certificate as well as a birth certificate.

Tim Pawlenty's father Eugene Pawlenty was Polish and his mother Virginia Oldenburg was German. Being a scion of the House of Oldenburg would disqualify Tim from being President. Under the doctrine of sovereign immunity, heirs to royal houses born in foreign countries are not subject to the jurisdiction of the foreign country. Tim would not be a natural born citizen of the United States, even if he could produce a birth certificate.

Newt Gingrich was born in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania under the birth name Newton McPherson which was changed to Newton Gingrich when he was later adopted by his mother's second husband. Or that's the cover story concocted when his birth records were tampered with by French secret agents. An investigation of Newt's teenage years living in Orleans, France in the late 1950s will prove that the real Newt was replaced with a Gaulist mole.

Mike Huckabee says he was born in Hope, Arkansas. That's the same town where President Bill Clinton was born. If Huckabee were elected President, what are the odds that two Presidents of the United States could be born the same small town in Arkansas? Zero. Huckabee, that's just the sort of name a pair of deep cover Soviet agents would have cooked up in the mid-1950s to go with the false Hope story.

Ron Paul was born in Pittsburgh but was delivered by Cesarean section. As he was "from his mother's womb untimely ripped," Ron Paul is clearly not a natural born citizen. Donald Trump should watch his back if he continues his schemes to play the Macbeth and take over the Tea Party, Ron Paul could be his Macduff.

Mitt Romney's father George was born in the United States - of Mexico. Ay, Chihuahua on a Mormon commune. His mother Lenore was born in the Utah, but was that before or after Utah became one of the United States? I can see I will need Mexican and Utah territorial documents from Mitt. No, I will not accept affidavits. We know Mitt likes to employ illegal immigrants from his Latin American home country. I smell an anchor baby.

Sarah Palin claims her birthplace is Sandpoint, Idaho. But how do we know she wasn't actually born an hour's drive up the road in Creston, British Columbia, Canada? I'm pretty sure Michael Moore can find a retired nurse (or maybe someone who served on one of those Canadian socialized medicine death panels) from the Creston Valley Hospital who will remember a Sarah Palin née Heath being born up there in February 1964.

Facts can be stubborn things, but not as stubborn as a good conspiracy theory spread over the internet.