102 Reasons Al Qaeda and the Taliban Can't Win

Reason 101: The Screaming Eagles of the 101st Airborne Division are being deployed to Afghanistan for the summer offensive planned against the resurgent Taliban in Kandahar Province and elsewhere.

Never heard of the 101st Airborne? Here is an excerpt from General Order Number 5, which gave birth to the Division under its first commander Major General William C. Lee at Camp Claiborne, Louisiana:

"Let me call your attention to the fact that our badge is the great American eagle. This is a fitting emblem for a division that will crush its enemies by falling upon them like a thunderbolt from the skies."

Let's recap the storied history of the 101st Airborne:

June 1944 - parachuted into France behind German lines on D-Day, the Allied invasion of Normandy.

December 1944 - held the town of Bastogne against a ferocious German attack and encirclement during the Battle of Bulge.

1957 - sent by President Eisenhower to Little Rock, Arkansas to enforce the Supreme Court's order in Brown v. Board of Education to desegregate the schools.

1969 - won the Battle of Hamburger Hill in Vietnam. Viet Cong commanders routinely told their fighters to avoid the "Chicken Men" as they were sure to lose.

1991 - fired the first shots of the Gulf War and captured the main highway along the Euphrates (with an open road to Bagdhad that was not used).

2002 - deployed to the Shoh-I-Khot Mountains of eastern Afghanistan during Operation Anaconda.

2003 - followed Eagle 6 with the charge, "The 101st Airborne Division's next rendezvous with destiny is north to Baghdad." Eagle 6 was General David Petraeus.

Reason 102: Let's say that Al Qaeda and the Taliban defeat the 101st Airborne and follow them home to the United States of America. They still have to get by the likes of Heather LaCroix:



Heather hails from Pollock, Louisiana not so far from old Camp Claiborne. I'm guessing she didn't inventory her entire arsenal on YouTube. You can never tell what is hiding out there in those Louisiana swamps.

My advice for Al Qaeda and the Taliban, in Afghanistan and Pakistan and wherever else you are around the world: Surrender now. It's rendezvous with destiny time again, and there is no honor in that for you. Surrender now. You cannot possibly win and if you think you can I just have one word for you: "Nuts."


Update:


Reason 103: After you get past the 101st Airborne and Heather LaCroix at Jeff3230, you still have to get past Hit-Girl. And just because she was fighting a drug dealer in Kick-Ass, doesn't mean she can't fight Al Qaeda terrorists in Kick-Ass 2 and Kick-Ass 3. Trust me, it will be humiliating to have your ass kicked by a little girl. Surrender now.

Update 2: Rule 5 chasers don't blame Smitty for the 11-year-old, that update was added after his Rule 5 post. And sick your pedophile police on the movie's writers, director, and producers: Jane Goldman, Matthew Vaughn, and Brad Pitt.