New Year's Resolutions for 2009

I had an epiphany last night, and here are my new New Year’s Resolutions for 2009:

(1) Put on more weight – I was going to try to loose the few extra pounds I put on in 2008, but after a trip to the mall I realized that I haven’t put on enough to keep up with current fashion.

(2) Exercise less and take up smoking – I’ve discovered a carton of cigarettes costs less than a gym membership, at least if you drive to New Hampshire for the smokes.

(3) Give all my money to Wall Street – They clearly need it more, and are going to get it all eventually. By giving it all to them now, I’ll eliminate years and years of stress. Does anyone have the web site address for the Bernie Madoff legal defense fund?

(4) Learn a new swear word – The old ones just aren’t getting the job done anymore.

(5) Listen less and whine more – Listening only encourages other people’s whining. Whining about whining is the post-modern way.

(6) Work dumber – Working harder or smarter only digs the hole deeper.

(7) Resist change – What was wrong with the status quo?

(8) Forget something – What was I going to say here?

(9) Drop a friend – Like the song we sing every New Year’s Eve says, “auld acquaintance should be forgot, and never brought to mind.” Hey, you’re the ones sending me the “unsubscribe” replies.

(10) Read less and watch more television – Think of the valuable TV watching time you’re wasting just reading this.