The Sarah Palin Playbook

Sarah Palin is unstoppable. The Democrats have tried to bork and quayle her to no avail. Whatever the media pundits throw at her, she throws right back. How does she do it? Left Bank of the Charles got our hands on Sarah Palin’s playbook:

Lipstick on a pig – Would that be a male chauvinist pig?

Alaska Troopergate – Don’t tase me, bro. Bro means my ex-brother-in-law, you racist sexist pig . Again, my ex-brother-in-law.

Stem cell research – You’re saying I should have aborted my son Trig so you could use his stem cells for research?

Bridge to nowhere – I didn’t build the bridge so you talking heads are on the road to nowhere.

Earmarks – You want to talk about ears?

Iraq War – Tell Michael Moore that my son Track is fighting in Iraq. So has John McCain’s son.

High gas prices – I have oil up here in Alaska if you’ll just let me drill for it.

Jobs – I’ll create an oil drilling job for you while I’m creating one for Bristol’s boyfriend, I mean fiance.

Economy – A moose in every pot and a snow machine in every garage.

Snow machine – What you call a snowmobile, stupid liberal elitist.

Global warming – I know something about hockey sticks.

Religion – I was born a Catholic like Joe Biden and as an adult went to a crazy Protestant Church like Barack Obama.

Speaking in tongues – At least I wasn’t speaking with a forked tongue.

Marijuana use – Yes, but I never could afford a little blow.

Horse – I’d be happy to play Barack a game of horse, or one-on-one.

Foul shots – If you think you got game you should know not to foul the best free throw shooter. I won a state basketball championship with a last minute free throw. You should have fouled my running mate, who can’t raise his arms over his shoulders due to his war injuries.

Gun control – My policy is don’t pull the trigger, squeeze it.

Bush doctrine – My father taught me when hunting prey in the bush, know your target and what is beyond before you shoot.

Foreign policy – Ich bin ein American.

Russia – Ich bin ein Georgian. All for one and one for all!

Race – My husband is part Eskimo, and so are my children – ich bin ein Eskimo.

Eskimo – Alaskan for Native American, as they know on the Indian reservations in Montana, North and South Dakota, New Mexico, and Washington State. Oh, was that your Western States strategy?

Feminism – You could bring on Geraldine Ferraro and Hillary Clinton to take me down, if you hadn’t called them both racists.

Juggling parenthood – Joe Biden was a single father of two young boys when he first became Senator. I have a husband and two grown children to help.

Change – I want to shake up Washington, DC; you want to shake down American taxpayers.

Transfer student – Barack Obama was a transfer student too and, yes, feel free to run down every one of those schools where I studied, and their voting age students and alumni.

Teen pregnancy – Yes, keep putting down every woman who ever had a child as a teenager, and their families. Let’s see Mom is 18, Grandma is 35, Great-grandma is 52, Great-great-grandma is 69, and Great-great-great-grandma is 86. That’s five generations of Sarah Palin voters.

Per diem – I have a 600 mile commute.

Experience – just keep rapping my small town mayor experience, America has a lot of small towns, and parents who’d like to think their children could grow up to become President or Vice President.

White House Ready – Yes, I live in a red house now.

3:00 am phone call – I’m up for Trig’s 3:00 am feeding anyway.

Tina Fey lookalike – So your good old boy lefty buddies at the Hollywood writers guild called a strike last winter that shut down Tina Fey’s show and cost her millions of dollars. Maybe she can make some of that money back appearing on SNL like she did last March (bitches get stuff done). Never piss off someone who writes jokes better than you.

Bristol and Trig – Am I going to have to deliver a Nixon-esque Checkers speech? Yes, you knock me out if you could prove Trig was really by daughter Bristol’s baby not mine. Keep in mind as you dig for evidence that I may have pictures from the delivery room. Knock yourself out.

This is getting hard to watch here in Obama country. In just two weeks she has torn Obama’s message of hope and change to pieces, then knitted it into a new dress to wear herself, and now she is on the verge of turning Obama’s new politics into a cynical sham. And every time some media pundit rings one of these issues, another small town voter in the heartland decides to vote for Sarah Palin. The states on the electoral vote projection maps are turning from light red to red, white to light red, light blue to white, and so on.